Excerpt 2

The entrance to the nightclub was a nondescript grey door next to a shop. We walked up stairs covered in worn red carpet and into a large dark room that stank of stale cigarette smoke and alcohol. When my eyes adjusted to the light I could see a bar to one side, a stage to the other and people standing around in the semi-dark.

I heard LJ’s voice first. ‘Good, you’re here, the band’s out the back.’

He appeared out of the darkness and kissed us on the cheek and then took Lucy and me to the greenroom. The band was sitting around smoking and drinking whiskey.

‘Oh cool, feral’s here,’ said Dog.

My eyes started to sting from the smoke.

Lucy introduced herself and then Robbo said we should start rehearsing. I took off my coat and their eyes bulged.

‘Wicked,’ said Dog.

I posed and showed off like the little exhibitionist I was.

We went out and the stage lights went up. LJ introduced me to a couple of people he said where from the record company. They were polite but indifferent. I was to learn they were affecting a totally fake cool attitude. The band had already rehearsed their other songs so we concentrated on my part. As soon as I heard the amplified music I was into it. I didn’t have any difficulty remembering the part; we just had to decide what version I would do and it was agreed I would tone it down. The rest involved staging and where I would stand.

It was five when we wrapped and LJ, Jane, Lucy and I went out to get a coffee and meal. Lucy’s mood had changed. She was smiling quietly to herself and I guessed it was because she was with both her mother and father. I was happy for her but I was sad for me. It made me think of my father and everything.

Over a meal of kebab and felafel LJ spoke to me softly, ‘I want you to give your best performance. Don’t hold back for the band’s sake. It doesn’t matter if you steal the show. There’ll be a number of important people there just to see you and you need to impress them.’

‘See me?’

‘Yes, I made a few phone calls.’

It was then my nerves got to me. My stomach tightened. When we got back the room started to fill with people. Jane and LJ recognised some of them and started to chat, so Lucy and I went out the back. I could sense the band was nervous because the conversation seemed forced and hyper. Lucy started talking to Dog and Robbo took me aside and whispered in my ear. ‘There’s been a change of plans…’

‘But the rehearsal?’

‘You’ll be fine. Dog and I decided to do an extended version. We need to prove to these cunts that we can really play. Just follow my lead and do your thing, give these pretentious shits a dose of real rock.’

I nodded. I knew I didn’t have a choice.

I grabbed Lucy. ‘I need to piss,’ I said as I dragged her to the toilet. ‘I can’t do it,’ I said as I dropped my knickers and sat on the toilet.

‘What? You have to…’

‘I feel sick.’ I tried to pee but my anxiety had tightened my bladder.

‘You’ve got stage fright,’ said Lucy.